[The setting is Cologne, North Rhine-Westphalia; Germany, 1966. Alexandre and Gisela Sinclair await a phone message from an old friend in America. After the war, Alexandre was stationed in Germany to keep an eye on politics. Nobody could have foreseen the marriage between the Chancellor’s daughter and the American ambassador. As the couple wandered into their opulent sitting room, a mish-mash of ivory and silver charms, the dim silence left behind from last night’s soiree resounded through the walls of the lofty estate and was barely masked by the slight drone of rain.]
Alexandre: [sourly] Where is Mitzi? I sent her out to order rolls and get the paper.
Gisela: [humorously] But you had just sent her out not ten minutes ago. Really Alexandre, [raising her eyebrows] you have been quite tactless lately.
Alexandre: [tensely] Oh have I? [catching himself] I suppose I have. [sighing] I don’t mean to go on like this Gisela, this weather just irritates me. [glancing outside]
[Gisela strides over and places a delicate hand on her husband’s shoulder]
Gisela: You’re just exhausted from the party last night—it was wonderful, wasn’t it?—I’m sure Oberlin’s call will cheer you up.
Alexandre: [giving Gisela a slight smile] We’ll see.
[The sound of a closing cab door is heard; the maid steps through the door and fastened her umbrella, striding quickly towards the kitchen door.]
Gisela: Oh! That’s Mitzi. She was quick.
Mitzi: Guten Morgen, Frau Sinclair. Good morning Mr. Sinclair. [She hands the paper to Gisela and prances off to the maids’ quarters]
Gisela: Danke, Mitzi! [laughing]
Alexandre: [stepping in] Say, where are the—
[the phone rings and both sets of eyes in the room dart toward the jangling console sitting on the marble counter]
Alexandre: I’ve got it, Dear, will you go inquire about the rolls? [hinting at the girl dashing down the hall] Hello?
Voice on the other end: You’re under arrest!
Alexandre: [shocked] W-what?
Voice on the other end: For not establishing contact with your best friend in the last 20 years.
Alexandre: [relieved, but slightly irked] Oberlin! You truly had me you crazy fool; you wouldn’t believe the tension over here. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.
Oberlin: As have I, although it completely boggles me why this hasn’t happened sooner…But now, urgency has led me here. Have you heard about the rain?
Alexandre: [confused] The rain? Oberlin McNally, did you call me to talk about the weather? It hasn’t let up all month over here. Sometimes it comes down as snow, and then rain. You should really see the flooding.
Oberlin: The rain, Alex, the rain! [hauntingly, barely above a whisper] Acid rain.
[His face stricken with horror, Alexandre takes a moment to comprehend the situation; he wanders through the French doors and falls onto the newly upholstered overstuffed polar bear loveseat.]
Alexandre: [quietly] How bad?
Oberlin: The animals, their whole pattern of existence has been altered due to changes in their environment! They are emaciated and unordinarily aggravated.
Alexandre: [concerned] Not the animals!
Oberlin: Not only the poor critters, but the ecosystems as well.
Alexandre: [pacing back and forth] How did this happen?! Tell me Oberlin, tell me!
Oberlin: [flatly] After the war, our country turned to industrialism. Its economic benefits were large, but all of the industrialism led to increased SO2, SO3, NO2, and CO2 emissions.
Alexandre: [understanding] These are acid anhydrides.
Oberlin: When the sky opens up, it unleashes acidic rain. The acid rain falls upon the earth where bases such as calcium and magnesium lay. Now, these are usually insoluble, but they are susceptible to reacting with acid rain. When they do react—
Alexandre: [completing the puzzle] –They are washed away, never to be utilized again by the plants and ecosystems that so desperately depend on them!
Oberlin: This is only the beginning; these unnaturally occurring gases are toxic. Lives are at stake.
[Alexandre gazes across the courtyard at the ancient stone artifacts that litter the gardens. He is disgusted to see each drop of rain splash across their milky surface, for he knows that in 30 years, their intricate details will be lost and washed away by the effects of acid rain.]
Oberlin: [determined] The reason I call is to delineate the future to you. Your industrialization progress is…stunted. You must alert your government to regulate emissions before it’s too late, for the future of Germany, for the future of eastern man.
[The phone call is ended. On the other side of the line, a man sits weeping silently in his chair, having reached a catharsis and feeling good about protecting the ecosystems of Europe. At this moment, Gisele walks in.]
Alexandre: [frozen, standing on the veranda, soaked in the acidic solution] We have to…
Gisela: [perplexed] What meine Liebling? Why are you standing in the rain, come inside! You’ll catch a cold.
[He saunters through the doors and grips the shoulders of his noble wife with his icy fingers.]
Alexandre: [still gripping] Gisela, a doom looms over the Fatherland. This is imperative.
Gisela: [not grasping the predicament] Is this about the rolls? I can run out and get them myself. [worried] Don’t punish Mitzi, she’s young, she just forgot.
Alexandre: [his face set like stone] No, it’s not about that. That is as insignificant as a grain of sand in the great Sahara Desert. We are talking about the condition of Mother Nature’s jewel: the good of greater mankind.
[Fixing his eyes on his wife’s defined visage, she had never looked so striking.] Gisela, is your father in his office?
Gisela: [slightly dazed] … Yes.
Alexandre: [unwavering] I think we have a phone call to make.
Below is my complete list of changes to Linjie's draft. I tried to be as detailed as I could with my changes. I even have a draft with all of my changes to Linjie's draft in a larger, different font if any of you guys would like it.
ReplyDeleteChanged “America” to “the United States”
ReplyDeleteChanged “After the war, Alexandre was stationed in Germany to keep an eye on politics.”
to
“A career diplomat, Alexandre has been stationed in Germany since the end of the Second World War.” for clarity
Next, changed “Nobody could have foreseen the marriage between the Chancellor’s daughter and the American ambassador.”
to
“He has encountered miraculous success in his endeavors, culminating in a politically and economically beneficial marriage to the beloved daughter of the current chancellor. “
Minor changes from “As the couple wandered into their opulent sitting room, a mish-mash of ivory and silver charms, the dim silence left behind from last night’s soiree resounded through the walls of the lofty estate and was barely masked by the slight drone of rain.”
to
“As the couple wander into their opulent sitting room, a mish-mash of ivory and silver charms, the dim silence succeeding last night’s soiree resounds through the walls of the lofty estate, barely masked by the slight drone of rain.”
At this point, the setting is detailed and interference with the actual content would cause massive problems with the rest of the play – most of the corrections needed pertain to tense, word choice, clarity, and redundancy.
Changed “I sent her out to order rolls and get the paper.”
to
“I sent for schnitzel and the news ages ago!”
Changed “humorously” to “scornfully”
Added a comma “Really, Alexandre,”
Added a comma “Oh, have I?”
Added a comma and a transition word “I don’t mean to go on like this, Gisela, but this weather irritates me.”
Added a descriptive word “Gisela strides over and gently places a delicate hand on her husband’s shoulder.”
Changed “The sound of a closing cab door is heard”
to
“Outside, a cab door closes”
Split dialogue into separate sentences = “I’ve got it, Dear. Will…. “
ReplyDeleteChanged ‘rolls’ to ‘schnitzel’. Schnitzel sounds more German.
Changed “For not establishing contact with your best friend in the last 20 years.”
to
“For not contacting your best friend in 20 years.”
Added a comma “You truly had me, you crazy…”
Added “just”
Changed “As have I, although it completely boggles me why this hasn’t happened sooner…But now, urgency has led me here. Have you heard about the rain?”
to
“As have I, although it bothers me that this conversation hasn’t happened until now…. Necessity has brought me here. [pauses] Have you heard about the rain?”
Removed “above” from “Barely above a whisper”
Changed “The animals, their whole pattern of existence has been altered due to changes in their environment! They are emaciated and unordinarily aggravated.”
to “The animals, their very existence has been altered by changes in the environment! The base of the food chain –phytoplankton and other microorganisms that grow in lakes, rivers, and streams – has been decimated by acidification. The poor critters are emaciated… and angry.”
Changed “Not only the poor critters, but the ecosystems as well. “
to
“Oh, yes, the animals! And the ecosystems as well.”
Changed “Tell me Oberlin, tell me!”
to
“Tell me, Oberlin! Tell me!”
Changed “After the war, our country turned to industrialism. Its economic benefits were large, but all of the industrialism led to increased SO2, SO3, NO2, and CO2 emissions.”
to
“Following the war, our country focused on industrialization and turned a blind eye on the environment. The economic benefits were enormous, but came at a high cost to ecosystems everywhere - increased SO2, SO3, NO2, and CO2 emissions caused overly acidic precipitation all over Europe.”
Changed “These are acid anhydrides.”
ReplyDeleteto
“These compounds are acid anhydrides. How does a compound without hydrogen produce acid rain?”
Added “NO2 reacts with CaOH or CaCO3 to become HNO3, SO2 and SO3 react with H20 to become H2SO3 , and CO2 reacts with liquid H2O to become H2CO3.”
Changed “When the sky opens up, it unleashes acidic rain.”
to
“When the sky opens up, it unleashes these compounds as acid rain.”
Changed “He is disgusted to see each drop of rain splash across their milky surface, for he knows that in 30 years, their intricate details will be lost and washed away by the effects of acid rain.”
to “He is disgusted to see each drop of rain splash across their milky surface, for he knows that in several decades, acid rain will have erased their intricate beauty.”
Removed “to you”
Changed “Your industrialization progress is…stunted”
to
“Germany’s rapid industrialization has, unbeknownst to you, slowed its own long-term growth.”
Changed “You must alert your government to regulate emissions before it’s too late, for the future of Germany, for the future of eastern man.”
to
“You must exert your influence towards greater emissions regulation it’s too late, for the future of Germany, for the future of the world as we know it!”
Changed “a catharsis” to “an epiphany”
Changed “is ended” to “ends”, changed “side” to “end”
Changed “What Meine” to “What, Mein”
Removed “a” from “catch a cold”
Changed
to
“Gisela, a day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. This task is imperative.”
The above line of dialogue is taken directly from Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings film trilogy. I thought this quote would be fitting for this line of dialogue and make it a little more epic and memorable. If this inclusion is too plagiaristic, it can be easily removed.
Changed “rolls” to “schnitzel”
Removed “out”
Separated “Don’t punish Mitzi, she’s young, she just forgot.” with a colon
Most of my changes are personal style preferences, so please excuse any change that you don’t think is an improvement. I tried to make the acid rain explanation more scientific, although there still might be a bit of work to do in that area. Towards the end, there might be a little bit of description and dialogue that doesn’t flow perfectly, but overall I am very satisfied with your (Nick and Linjie’s) original contributions! Great job, you two! Thanks for making this a dramatic, relevant, and enjoyable edit!
ReplyDeleteI also have all my changes in a word document if I left something out of this multiple-post due to character restrictions. Please let me know if something doesn't make sense or you want an explanation for my changes.
Best of luck on the last draft, Myung Ha!